(Let’s all take five).💆🏾♀️
“come back!”
My heart kept screaming as you slowly walked away.
As my arm dropped from yours, I found it hard to muster the courage to tell you to stay with me. With tears rolling down my cheeks, I let you leave.
I am constantly misunderstood.
Countless number of times. I thought this was what I wanted. It is beginning to frustrate me and there’s no better way to explain this situation.
I thought I could deal with it at the beginning dear reader. I had no doubt I could fix it. I honestly thought I had a solution to this.
Sometimes I just go blank and try to think of how to deal with this. You know what they say? “Face your fears, that’s how to overcome them”. I thought I could actually apply that to myself.
I am currently nursing emotional bruises I do not think I can recover from. I am hurt. I am breaking. I am loosing my mind. I am being constantly manipulated by my own mind.
I cannot stop running. I’d rather hide than come out in the open. Being in the shadow has always being a comfortable spot for me.
How did I get here?
How did I nurture my mind and body to get used to this?
what are the odds, I’d survive this?
My heart bleeds on hearing your voice. I am so wrecked that I do not know how to treat myself right anymore. I have never been more confused in my life.
I am tired of being like this. I want a happy ending. I want to be actually happy. I want to do away with these feelings and thoughts.
Because I know what I want and this is not it.
I am scared. I am scared to be alone. I am scared to start all over. I am suddenly feeling a rush of emotions and I can’t deal.
‘Oh God, help me pass this phase.’
I just want to stay under the shower feeling the constant drops of water beat my back and run down my shoulders.
When I fall into despair, writing serves as my solace. I always put down my thoughts into writing so I can run away from them. But of late, reverse has been the case.
“Every night I lie in bed, the brightest colors fill my head, a million dreams is keeping me away.”
I have waited my whole life for this to happen, only to watch it fade away while I try to grasp it? Why can’t I seem to get anything right in my life? Why can’t I get a hold of anything happening to me?
I keep asking, peace and tranquility, where were you when I needed you the most? Where were you when I needed some calmness in my life? How could you sit and watch me drown in bitterness?
How do I get some order in my life? How do I restore balance to everything? What is the next step?
A long deep sigh.
I close my eyes for a minute.
A gentle voice saying, “breathe Keji, breathe.”
I guess I could use that.
A hug too.
A long tight hug. A hug I can collapse into. A hug that can carry the weight of my fears, worries and burden. A hug that can reassure me. A hug that consumes all thoughts. A hug that takes you to a safe haven.
I don’t know if it is ever going to make sense.
But for now, “Breathe”.
I am always going to be holding your hand. We would walk this journey of rebuilding side by side.
WRITTEN BY- MORENIKEJI A. ODEBIYI
Shade Odebiyi's Creatives. 
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