I sometimes thought, everything we did, we did in the name of love. Everything we held and stood for, was because love bound us. Which is why I stayed and stood with you because I thought love was the ultimate. But, heartbreak is greater; and the grief is worse.
I experienced heartbreak in so many ways and it pierced my soul more than I could ever imagine. Maybe because I was too attached to our love, our friendship, or our acquaintances. But isn’t that how it’s supposed to be? That’s how it is written, right? Every day, Every moment, when I remember, I get hurt all over again.
Heartbreak is when you say “I know what I want, and you’re not it.”
“Stares in dismay.” I just could not understand why you would say that. Those words hurt more than it should have. I mean, this had me breaking and feeling all kinds of way. You said it like it meant nothing. You said it without dilating your eyes. The food in my mouth became hard to swallow. With pain in my eyes, I looked up and said “Can I become what you want?”
Heartbreak is when you say “I have been busy, so I could not call you or send a text.” I stare down at myself with a turning stick in my hand, sweating and turning eba. I am currently listening in a class with earphones in my ear, and I also have my laptop on, with an article I am working on, so I am wondering how busy you must have been, that not even a text could work. I am very confused.
Heartbreak is me waking up, wallowing in tears, thinking about you, and seeing you in my dreams. But I try to get my mind occupied, I try so hard to not think about you. I try to do away with everything that reminds me of you, but then I remember, these are OUR MEMORIES. But the question is, “would you do the same for me?” It gets hard from there.
Heartbreak is me realizing that I will never be enough for you. No matter what I do, say or change about myself, it will never add up. Because there is already an idea of who you want in your head and you have already canceled everything I am willing to do, everything I am willing to be, to be that woman. But “LOVE” has other plans.
This has me crying into my pillow occasionally. It is my socials constantly bringing videos that remind me of you to my timeline every time. Heartbreak is me constantly checking if you have put anything on your feed, or instagram story. It is me muting your story because everything you put on there hurts me. And the most painful part is, you never notice.
Heartbreak is you reaching out to me a couple of months later, saying, “Can you delete that picture of us on your page? It is very important please.” I stare at my phone in anger? Or was it pity I felt for myself? Was I still feeling some type of way? I felt cold shivers run through my body and the goosebumps became very visible. With tears in my eyes, I type “NO.”
Heartbreak is realizing that trust is a big deal and you cannot attain it anymore with whomever it is you wanted it to be. It is you feeling bad every time you realize you messed it up with someone. It is you realizing that some things never change, but deciding to give it a chance and still get hurt. Heartbreak is you accepting the situation and taking your loss in peace.
LOL.
Like in the vampire diaries, when Caroline turned off her humanity, I turned off my emotions or my head turned it off for me, because I was mentally drained. I am in a space where nothing interests me anymore and I am not fighting to get it back. It might be peace, but the memory lingers.
If it works, it works. If it doesn’t, everything is still very calm. I just want to be happy. I really deserve that shit in bundles.
Let’s talk about your thoughts on heartbreak. Do you want to share in the comment section? Because I’ll be waiting. 🫂
With love,
‘ShadeOdebiyi 🎈
From My Desk ✍🏾 : MORENIKEJI A. ODEBIYI
Shade Odebiyi's Creatives. 
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