Dearest gentle reader,
Might I tell you a story, one of many where I feel overly exhausted from fueling people’s desires and wants? One of many times I am exhausted from hiding behind the mask? Or some that include me trying to get a chance and lifetime of my own? I feel sad as I write this, but then, when do I not feel sad, dearest?
Terrible timing, very terrible timing I must say. I am currently in another phase in life and this is yet another tasking and mortifying moment of my life. Work coupled with lifestyle and survival, I fear I might have lost my art. I am at crossroads. What do I do?
Might I also tell you a tale, one of many where I lost even before I gave love a chance again? I can conclude very vehemently that this is not for me. So I chose to let it go and focus on what is most important now, my life and career, too bad I am struggling with both. I look and miss what could have been, what we could have had, but hey, who cares anyways?
I do.
These days my attention is being drawn to different things and I am very conscious of myself, my acts, habits, and attitude. I react in some type of way to situations and I tend to re-trace my steps a lot of times. I think about some things I do wrong and I instantly remember my intuitions. I also get deja vu a lot. I miss people a lot more and my feelings have grown 3x stronger.
Might I take you through some of our escapades from 20? I know I do not want to go back there. That is if I am looking at the negative sides. I thought about the life problems we encountered at 20 and compared to now, those were nothing. We met and fell in love at first sight. We knelt and cried. We held each other’s hand and let go. We turned our backs on each other and wished the other would look back.
At 21, we loved and held on too tight. We dared to be sneaky links. We fought for our smiles against all odds. We made promises to one another and sometimes came out strong. There were threats and some approvals. Some approvals sounded like threats. But we loved, didn’t we? We ran and found each other. We figured that some things never change anyway. We still cannot part ways or make up naturally without feeling awkward with ourselves.
At 22, we’re beginning to clone ourselves and withdraw further than before, because we’re scared that we won’t both accept our scars and flaws. We go through the process even before the actual hit comes. We are out here experiencing pillow talks and trying to secure a living without actually living. How did we end up here? We are okay with not speaking anymore and that has made us “tough”. At least so we say.
I miss those times our laughs were genuine and we would stay up all night talking like we had no worries. Listening to Lana del Rey play on the radio while we go on long car drives holding hands. Everything faded so fast. We enjoyed each other’s company so much that we began to confide in ourselves so strongly. Sadly, some of us have yet to experience this.
It hurts, sometimes.
At 20, we begin to realize ourselves. We start to define our beliefs and thoughts. 21, is the age we keep hurting ourselves. We also feel lonely. And sometimes, we have to fight against a very powerful enemy. 22, we have a passionate heart and we decide to fall in love. We also have great ambitions and we let go of things that don’t matter.
But one thing is for sure, we know and would always remember how much we were hurt and devastated in our early twenties. How much we cried, during that sensitive period we passed through at 21. We know how intensely we fought through a lot of unspoken words and letting go.
But, six years from now on, just like how I walked towards you with so much excitement on my face, when we were 22, I’ll be standing on that road, and I hope you’d be at the end of that road, waiting. This is what I prayed for, all along 22.
At 22, we fell in love. It may not have been worth protecting or fighting for, nevertheless, we were brave enough to fight for each other, held hands, ran toward each other, and stayed. We might fall again or find ourselves kneeling again, But this time, we would be doing that together.
NAVIGATING – MORENIKEJI A. ODEBIYI
Shade Odebiyi's Creatives. 
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