FINDING SOLACE.🧘🏾‍♀️

I am sitting, alone. I’m not with heavy heart but I am thinking. A lot.

I’m trying not to screw up. I am trying not to complicate my thoughts either.

I feel lonely. I am trying to figure out the perfect song to suit my mood. I am constantly bothered by something but I can’t seem to figure what it is.

I want to write how I feel,but I can’t seem to put anything down.

There’s a lot going on in my head. I need to put a smile on my face,but I can’t. I keep thinking there’s something not in place.

I am emotionless. I am tired of trying. Believe me when I say words have failed me. I really do not know how to explain the shitty feeling building up inside me.

Oh my goodness!

I don’t even know if I want to be happy or sad. I don’t know what happy feels like or what it means. I just want this burden to leave me. I want to feel brand new.

My heart is racing at the speed of light and I am uttering muffled words. I can’t seem to decipher what is going on around me. I am lost.

“Can I start all over, again?” I ask myself.

I am letting out a very heavy sigh.

I’m out. The sky is blue and very beautiful. I am walking around aimlessly trying to figure out what’s left undone.

Something in my head keeps screaming,don’t screw this up.

I’m sorry- what?

There’s an image in my head. It’s very faint.

It’s YOU.

It’s getting clear. I reach out.

The further I go,the farther you move.

I want you.

I’m screaming it now!

I want to lean on you. I want a friend and lover in you. You’ve always given me courage.

Have we met?

Are you an illusion?

closed my eyes for a minute.

I’m by the ocean with him.

This time we’re sitting side by side. Watching the sun set together. Moving in sync with the waves. Tossing a beach ball at each other. Laughing and sharing jokes with each other. I supposedly feel fulfilled and accomplished.

“the slowest version of heat waves by glass animals is on repeat”.

a slight turn to pick up the beach ball.

I am in a locker room. The thoughts keep rushing back again. I’m trying to run from my own thoughts. I am banging on the lockers. I’m not screaming but I’m scared. I can feel the cold shivers run down my spine. I am beginning to cry all over again.

“still don’t know my name by Labrinth is playing “

I miss him.

God please. Help!

I miss him so much. I want him back.

Hey! You there?! Can you hear me?!

Moments pass.

I am in a very beautiful apartment. My smudged mascara’s all cleaned up. I’m all dressed up. I am looking pretty.

Okurrrr!

I feel you. I feel your touch. I can smell you. Oh that cologne’s very expensive. I feel your fingers run through my shoulders. The hairs on my body are up.

You hold my hand.

Time stops-for a second.

Right there and then I feel at peace. There are no loud noises in my head anymore. I can’t even hear my own thoughts. I am relieved, calm and relaxed.

I know my purpose. I am defined. I feel alive. I am so full of energy. I am complete.

I am finally happy. I’m not moving through time anymore. I know you’re not leaving me anymore. I want you here with me always. It’s all in place now. It’s all perfect now.

You’re the peace and quiet my soul’s been searching. You showed me unconditional love despite my flaws and scars. You have made me whole.

I want to hold hands forever. I want to show you to the world. I want to be happy with you. I want to share my deepest thoughts with you. I want to wake up next to you always.

And so, our love story begins.🎉