I can safely say, this past month, July was one month I felt so many emotions and feelings, raw. What a time to be alive! I can say that a lot of times, I considered running away, or just disappearing from everyone and everything.
“I was literally two hours into therapy.”
I wanted to start July like a champ. I had so many expectations mapped out for July. Heaven knows I had so much to accomplish and deal with this month. It was a roller coaster of predictions and presumptions.
July started and of course, I was feeling very generous with my time, that I thought to start a challenge. I was in good spirit and I had so much energy. I just wanted to do so much with my time and put myself out there. I always pushed myself and just wanted to do so much, so it does not look like I am wasting my “precious” time.
“I am rolling with laughter, thinking of this right now.”
I began my writing challenge and it started out easy. I could say interesting or intriguing. But definitely tasking. I had something to expect from myself every day. I was looking forward to what I could come up with, what I would write. The process was intense.
There were times I wrote a piece very late in the day, because I have had a busy day and I almost forgot I am in a challenge with myself. The pressure I always felt at those moments were “crazy.”
Everything I wrote was mostly a result of the emotions I was going through at those moments. There were times I was being cautious to not make my hurt show in my daily poems because I did not want to be judged by anyone.
“It is so painful hurting alone.”
I fell hard in July. I experienced pain in the most disgusting way. I hated so many things and I got irritable at the slightest. I experienced the “cry into your pillow” feel. I had so many thoughts and I got lost staring at the air for no reason. I would cry and wipe my tears immediately I heard footsteps or someone call my name. I would cry because I was tired. I cried for almost the whole month. I know I was miserable. I shut everyone and everything out. I was in pain. Maybe mentally ill.
I got uninterested in so many things and the success ultimatum I gave myself was fast approaching. “Yes, I gave myself six months.” I was not necessarily panicking, but I thought about it the whole month. I prayed. I prayed a lot. I wanted a lot to be done and completed immediately, that I didn’t see the damage I was causing to myself. I did not see the effort I was putting to make myself better.
The day of my six months anniversary came and still nothing. A few days before, I had already given up on so much. Or let’s say, begin to let go of some things, by not holding on, or acting extra about it. I was already stressed from so much and I couldn’t let one more issue define me.
A few days after, things began to look nice and I began getting major wins, which led to a lot of mood improvements. It was overwhelming and it felt too good to be true at the same time. It was an instant turnaround. I felt happy. I felt joy and nothing else mattered.
“A white linen to make up for all my dirty ones.”
I thought to myself while grinning out loud, “There is absolutely nothing else to be sad about. Live your life darling.” I jumped and danced happily. I haven’t felt like that in a long while. “What a time to be alive!”
The sad truth is, that there will always be something. You can not have everything figured out. How you react to things matters the most. You cannot deceive your mind and you are stronger than you think. It is now up to you, to decide if you want to take your bull by the horn, or if you want to become a weakling. No matter what happens, life goes on.
“Do you want to keep fighting or are you at your limits already?”
I hope August is better. I am expecting the worst, even though it will hurt if it happens. I cannot be caught by surprise anymore because I am going to keep fighting for my spot in this life. What about you?
Cheers to success!
‘Much Love,
Shade Odebiyi ❤️🪄
Speaking My Truth : MORENIKEJI A. ODEBIYI
Shade Odebiyi's Creatives. 
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