Shade Odebiyi's Creatives.

I cannot clearly define it. The thought or the feeling. The mood swings or the tears. Those emotions you bottle up and smile like you’re great.

You’re heavy at heart.

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There were times I felt like that. A lot of times I put too much thought into things and tried so hard to sort them out by the heart. It was very frustrating. I’d rather keep to myself than be a bother to another.

I have had days where I constantly cried because it seemed so tough then. It was black and tight. I was constantly fighting for my life. For real. I felt pain and hurt, sometimes guilt and regret. I was tired. I would be lying down, and the tears would keep dropping.

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I did not exactly plan to let go, or maybe had a stipulated time to stop holding on to something. It was just a time my brain told my heart, “she’s hurt enough, I’ll take it from here.”

I picked myself up and never looked back. I did not feel hurt, I did not feel pain, I didn’t feel anything. The grief I was supposed to feel, I ran away from it. I pushed it away. I ran. I am at a place where I am just living. It is hard to process emotions and I am not trying. I don’t even want to.

I am drained. I am tired. I am just trying to live. I am fighting for myself. I am fighting for my life. I am just trying to live without being a problem to anyone. I am trying to live for myself without having to constantly think about anyone else, just so my decision or actions wouldn’t hurt them. Because honestly, I do not have the strength for that anymore.

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Sometimes, you can get overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions and all you want to do is scream. You try to relate with people but feel lost. You are just living. Passing by every day, completely doing nothing.

I find myself slowly withdrawing from a lot of things. Steadily getting uninterested in a lot of things. I am gradually detaching from life and my portrait on the wall is starting to fade. What happened? Sigh.

I cannot tell you not to hold on to something, all I can say is, you can find peace even without it. It is hard to let go, but you wouldn’t know till you try. At this moment, I don’t know what I feel, I don’t know what it feels like to let go or hold on to something. I just know that I am living. I wake up every new day and go again.

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I enjoy my privacy so much these days, even when my world is shattering, I’d rather keep to myself. I think this is what comes with trying to figure it out yourself.

There’s this constant urge that I’m not fighting; to stay away from everyone. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but if someone asks, I question their curiosity. I mean “why?” “Why do you want to know?” “Are you bothered by what’s on my mind?”

LOL.

I hope you find the courage to lose your grip on whatever you’re hanging on to, whilst getting the worst from it. If you think you have a valid reason to stick to that, okay.

By letting go, you may lose part of your humanity but will figure it out yourself in the long run. Nothing else is worth it, except you. When it gets dark and shady, I’ll be here, comforting you, love. Or maybe not.

Always with love,

‘ShadeOdebiyi ✍🏾🤍

Navigating my life: MORENIKEJI A. ODEBIYI